Today is my young sister's birthday: not very significant to you, dear reader, but as I am 29, and since the first steps I ever took on "The road to ruin" were on my sisters birthday when I was 19, it means I have been a sinner for exactly 10 years, and thriving on it.
I should point out that the choice of words "Road to ruin" was my fathers, not mine. As far as I was concerned it was the road to Shangri La, the Yellow Brick Road, the Path of Destiny.
My family consisted of my parents, my younger sister and myself. I was born 19 months after my parents' wedding, my sister 4 years later, and as far back as I can remember my parents slept in separate rooms. Since neither parent would ever contemplate birth control, they probably had intercourse twice. You understand now my family background. I have to admit, I sort of went along with it, spending my youth in various church youth clubs, being a diligent alter boy and generally "Living for God"
Puberty sort of came and went, and other than frequent "Night Time Emissions" which my father explained were signs that the devil had tempted me in my sleep, but no harm was done that a sincere prayer of contrition would put right, didn't really change my life much. As I grew up, I had little or no interest in the girls at the youth club; a fact that pleased my parents greatly, since they hoped that any "Sins of the Flesh" might pass me by. They even prayed that God had me marked down for something special, a place in the Church.
The only worry I had at these times was the dreams I had when the "Night Time Emissions" happened, they usually consisted of wrestling with some of the older boys at school, even with a few of the teachers. Sometimes I would be held down and tickled. Since I had no idea of what gay sex entailed, I suppose my brain was doing its best to understand the emotions. I had heard of Homosexuality, but only in the course of sex education at school, and since the teacher never actually explained what these "Sinners" did to each other, I had nothing to base my emotions on. Anyway, I had seen Homosexuals on television (before one of my parents would say "Turn that filth OFF), usually in a play, or some "camp" comedian telling suggestive jokes: they usually wore make-up and walked like a woman, so I knew I certainly wasn't like them.
At 17 I went to University. I lived all of 3 miles from campus so continued to stay at home, and I immediately joined a couple of church-based groups along with some sports associations.
I settled in at university, devoting my time to gaining the best grades I could, spending my spare time more and more in the athletics club. I had discovered that if I trained really hard, ran to the point of exhaustion, the "bad" dreams were less likely to occur. Unfortunately, any benefit I gained from this might be counter-acted by having to shower if other guys were there at the same time. I took to going to the training ground, exercising then jogging home and washing there.
I was in the beginning of my second year when a group of us were sitting in class talking generally about pastimes when the subject got round to girls. I was not bothered by this, I didn't feel "odd" in any way, I just thought I would some day meet the "Right" girl and my body would sort itself out naturally. Someone was talking about a club he had been to and said "I thought I saw you there, Jeff, with a good looking woman by your side".
"Not me", said Jeff, "Not much chance of seeing me there, I am strictly gay"
I looked up trying not to let my jaw drop. Surely I had misheard him. He didn't look at all gay: he was as normal looking as the rest of us, nothing like any homosexual I had seen on TV. Since no one else commented, I was sure I had got it wrong but I did ask one of the others later if I had heard correctly and he said, "Yes, why, do you fancy him?" I turned on him and said "That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard", but I was aware that my face was burning, and later I couldn't get the idea of him with another man out of my head, even if I still wasn't sure what they would do to each other
Life carried on very much the same, although now my dreams seemed more and more to feature Jeff or any other guy I saw him talking to.
One day, on my sister's birthday, I skipped training and went shopping to buy her a present. I had no idea what I might buy, and deep down I knew I would end up with book tokens. After looking through several shops I ended up in a large bookstore and started browsing, making one last effort to find a book she might like before admitting defeat. As she had a keen interest in History, I was looking at a history of the Tudors, flicking pages, looking at pictures, studying the depth of notes and indices, when a deep voice said "If you are an interested beginner, you might find that interesting, but if you are looking for something more factual I would recommend any of those three at the end. I looked round and there stood an extremely handsome man of about 30-35, my height (5'10") and eyes the colour of washed denim. I felt the blood rush to my face as I stuttered and stammered, "Em, it's em for my s-sister, it's her birthday". "What age is your sister?" he asked "F-fifteen" I replied. "Well, I am sure she would find that very interesting, it is quite comprehensive without being too heavy" he said. "You look quite flushed, obviously you have been rushing around trying to find the right gift, why don't we go through to the coffee shop and you can cool down a bit" By now my face was so red, my body was shaking so much that I had to nod "Yes" because I didn't have the strength or ability to say "No thanks, I have to go".
He lead the way to the coffee shop with me tailing behind wondering if people could see on my face what was going on in my mind. It had to be obvious to all; no one had ever felt like this before.
He introduced himself as David; I told him my name, Andrew. He asked if I wanted coffee? Milk? Sugar? I just nodded each time, he could have offered arsenic, I would have agreed.
We sat down and he started to ask me about myself, I managed to mutter something about university and he asked about my subjects I said I was studying law and he showed great interest, explaining that he taught history and languages, Latin and Greek being his main subjects. He then talked about the laws of Ancient Greece in the various city-states. I said that while I knew something of the subject, it was not part of the course so I wasn't sure what laws applied where. "I have several books on the subject", he said, "I will write down the titles for you, you can probably find them in the university library"
We talked for about 30 minutes, by this time I was quite relaxed and enjoying his company, not only was what he was saying interesting, but he made everything I said seem interesting too. Finally the store was ready for closing so we stood up to leave. "Oh, those books", he said, "Let me make a list". He wrote down two books, stopped to think, added another, paused again then said "This is silly, I can't think of what you would find most interesting. Do you have time? I live about 10 minutes from here by car, just come back and browse".
Again, unable to make any excuses, I followed him to his car and we were soon in a very nice part of the city turning into the driveway of a nice two-storey house. We got out; he opened the front door and said "Just go straight through".
I found myself in a large sitting room, two walls of which was covered floor-to-ceiling with books. He came in behind me and said "Let me take your jacket, would you like a drink? I explained that I didn't drink alcohol, but I would appreciate a soft drink. He went into the kitchen and came back with a cola of some kind for me and what looked like whisky for himself. We looked through the appropriate part of the bookshelves and as I started to make notes he said, "Don't bother writing down titles, just take the books and return them when you are finished with them". I agreed to take 4 books and promised to have them back within 10 days. "No problem" he said, "Whenever"
We sat down either end of a sofa and just fell into conversation again. I was feeling happier and more comfortable than I had for a long time when he stopped in mid-sentence and said "Don't move, you have a loose eyelash". He moved up to me, reached over and touched me with one finger just below my right eye. All the time he was staring into my eyes and when he removed the eyelash he leaned forward and kissed me square on my lips.
I froze, I panicked, I stopped breathing, and at the same time I did something I had never done before. I would probably have described it at the time as "I emitted" I spontaneously shot the biggest load of my life right into my underwear. The shock and horror of my situation was so overpowering I couldn't move. At the age of 19 I could feel tears form in my eyes and I really thought I would die, or at least faint. "Here", said David, "Drink this". I took a good drink before realising it was his glass and I had taken a big mouthful of brandy. I coughed and spluttered, but somehow it cleared my head and I started to calm down.
"What the hell happened to you?" he said. "Well, today is a day of firsts", I said, "My first kiss and my first taste of alcohol"
He laughed and said "You're kidding, right?" I shook my head and said "No, honestly, I have never tasted alcohol before in my life".
"Fuck", he said, "I'm not talking about the alcohol, you've never been kissed?...EVER?"
"No, never", I said nervously. "Ever done anything else?" he asked. "No"
My mind was in turmoil, something was happening, something I was sure was wrong and sinful, but something I liked very much and wanted to continue. What if he decided to stop because I was so inexperienced? He answered my fears by leaning forward and kissing me again, this time more slowly and passionately, then he placed his hand on my thigh and I remembered the mess I had made in my underpants and I sort of froze and pulled back.
"Sorry", he said, "I don't want to take advantage, I will stop right now". "NO", I almost shouted, then explained that I had "had an accident" He laughed, smiled kindly and explained to me that only strong self-control had stopped him doing the same thing. He took hold of my hand, pulled me to my feet and led me to the bathroom. There he handed me a bath robe and told me to clean myself then either join him in the bedroom or take the books and leave. As I showered my thoughts were running in all directions, and it wasn't until I had dried myself off and put the robe on that I knew where I was going.
I walked slowly to the bedroom and found David lying on the bed naked; he stood up, pulled me towards him, slipped the robe from my shoulders and kissed me. This time I felt his tongue on my lips and for some reason I could not fathom, I opened my lips and let him enter my mouth. Our tongues intertwined, firstly in my mouth then in his, causing electric shocks to run through my body. He turned me towards the bed then gently pulled me down so that we lay side by side. He started to explore my body and I did exactly the same to him, although I didn't feel awkward, on the contrary, it felt the most natural thing in the world.
That evening he showed me more kindness and emotion than I had felt in my life. He took me to heights of passion I never dreamt existed and when it was over I knew my life would never be the same.
Over the next few weeks I visited him regularly, and each time I learned something new, the pleasures of oral stimulation, the techniques of control and even, with patience, the joy of intercourse. After two months he sat me down one night and told me that he was going abroad for two years to teach and study. I was heart-broken but he slowly and carefully explained to me that he had shown me a path that might lead to happiness that my life lay ahead of me and the choice was now mine.
He left the country a few weeks later and I was really sad to see him go, but he had convinced me that this was not an end, just another beginning. We wrote for the two years that he was away, and have remained friends ever since, but six months after he left I met Jon, he was at the university as a mature student, (he was 25) taking a second degree. Three months after we met I moved into his home, and I am still living with him, although now we have bought a larger house outside the city.
When I started to live with Jon, I sat down with my parents and explained the course my life had taken, and what my future plans were. My mother cried a lot, but my father looked me in the eye and told me that I had chosen the road to ruin and I was no longer a member of his family.
I didn't see either of my parents for over two years after that, but when I heard that my father was arrested having sex in his car with a prostitute, I contacted my mother, we met for coffee and eventually we became friends. She even visits us regularly and she and Jon get on famously. My sister loves us both, I am godfather to her eldest son, and Jon is godfather to the second. My father left home after he was fined in court and the last we heard he was working seven hundred miles away and living with a woman called Angie.
I still smile sometimes when I think of his last words to me, perhaps when I am having the occasional glass of wine, when I light a cigarette, but mostly when I look into Jon's eyes as we lie together in our bed.
Yes, I chose the road to ruin, and I have never regretted a single step.
I have even learned to say "Fuck"