(An Unfinished Story)
The wind was blowing outside and it seemed with every gush that the fragile windows would burst and thousands of small glassy pieces would fly into the room and cover the two beds, squeezed next to each other in the tiny room. It was a winter night much like other winter nights before and after. A night when nothing in the world seemed better than snuggling up by the fire crackling happily in the old oven, or wrapping warm blankets around the body feeling heat waves spreading slowly all over it, into all the limbs. When it is comforting to think about a tiny log cabin at the very edge of a gloomy, somber winter forest, with enough snow falling overnight to cover the little building almost up to the windows. When the silence in the morning would be perfect, thanks to that snow blanket.
Gil always had trouble with his feet. They stayed cold no matter what. That was when he would stretch his legs over to Alex's bed, and Alex would massage his feet until finally Gil could feel some circulation in them.
They met at a New Year's Eve party. Gil was new to this high school, he was starting there as a junior, his father having to move to take the new job. He liked the kids right away. Everyone seemed friendly, and made Gil feel welcome and relaxed. He was invited to this party, and was anxious to appear cool and to please everyone. There were not a whole lot of people at the party. The girl who invited Gil, Jennifer, told him that it would be just the intimate circle of friends, and a few new kids, because everyone wanted to meet new people. Gil was flattered.
The party was at Clare's place -- a big house with expensive rugs on the floor. That was the only thing Gil remembered about the house: the rugs. Bright red and green and yellow patterns hurt Gil's eyes at the beginning. But then the lights were dimmed and he could not see the rugs any more.
Even though Gil was not shy, he could not help feeling as an outsider. He could see boys and girls paired up or wanting to pair up, he noticed some eyes flashing when Clare would give Gil special attention, more than a good hostess would give a guest. For Clare was definitely the most beautiful girl at the party: she was blonde with the eyes of emerald green, tall and slim, with her hair falling softly in waves down her shoulders, her neck seemed carved out of marble. Gil could not help but marvel at this beauty. A pity that her obvious good disposition to him seemed to upset Michael.
And God knows, no matter how flattered Gil was by Clare's attention, he would much rather had Michael's. Tired of dancing, Gil sank into an armchair and noticed Michael by the CD rack nearby. The room was almost dark and it was extremely hard to make out Michael's features. Gil could see that the subject of his attention was a bit shorter than him, a bit stocky, two black glaring coals for eyes, they were probably dark brown in reality, big sensual lips, nostrils set wide apart, like by a horse, he thought. He was well built, although probably did not have much of a definition. It was unimportant. Those lips, the nose, the eyes -- everything seemed to be oozing sexuality. Gil could almost smell it in the air, could almost taste it on the tip of his tongue. He felt his mouth fill up with saliva and swallowed nervously.
After midnight, the whole group took a walk. The harsh wind threw streams of snow into their faces. It only made them laugh. Michael was walking in front of Gil, he seemed to be dressed too lightly. Gil stretched his arm and fixed Michael's collar in a gentle, almost instinctive, gesture of affection. Michael turned around, saw Gil and smiled faintly at him. That was their only contact that night.
When they got back to Clare's home, many kids started saying good-bye without bothering to undress. Couples seemed anxious to be left alone. Soon just Jennifer, Clare, and Alex were the only people left. Dishes were washed, then the four of them settled in the kitchen, drinking tea.
At this moment, Gil looked at Alex closer for the very first time. He noticed him before at the party. Naturally, Alex was hard not to notice. Six foot four in a tight T-shirt clinging faithfully to its owner's chest and abbs, leaving little to the imagination. Rather tight jeans doing the same for the boy's butt, legs and crotch. He had every right to show off, that godlike creature, Gil could not help thinking.
A face that made Gil's arm twitch in a desire to reach over and touch the boy on a cheek. Two sparkling blue eyes looking at everything and everyone with a slight good natured mockery as if challenging them: "Want a piece?! Come, get it, if you dare!" He seemed loud and a bit obnoxious when he talked. He was constantly making jokes, at which all the girls found it necessary to laugh in long, shrilling roulades, no matter if they were actually funny or not.
Gil did not feel threatened by Alex and the treatment he received. Having a quick wit, he could always steal enough attention to feel good about himself. He did not mind the fact that Alex barely noticed him during the party either. It was just that when he looked at Alex, he felt tired. Like everything would all of a sudden fall down inside. As if a cord was cut. A cord, that supported a huge weight. And now that weight was in a free fall somewhere in the depths of his soul.
It was unavoidable that he should feel this way. How else can one feel about something that was so desperately desired, yet the possibility of fulfilling that desire was nonexistent?! Gil was a quick learner, and he learned to control himself quicker than anything else he ever learned until now, but what consolation was there in control?!
Nonetheless, here they all were around a small kitchen table, drinking their tea and chatting happily.
"Sonya and Brandon are spending too much time together." Clare said laughingly. "He should really spend more time studying for his SATs."
"Your mind can't work hard, when something below it does. Better have someone to take care of the problem. Besides, that hand comes in really useful if you want to write something down." Gil piped in.
Everyone laughed. Alex squinted and looked closely at Gil. They were sitting at the same side of the table.
"You know," Alex said to Gil, "I think you are really cool!" He casually wrapped his long arm around Gil's shoulders. "Girls, I think we have found a missing person!"
"I was going to suggest the same thing", Clare nodded agreement. "Actually, it was Jennifer's idea all along."
Gil showed in mock anger that he did not follow. Then Alex turned around towards him completely, leaned forward and placing both his hands on Gil's shoulders said: "How would you like to spend the rest of the break with us in Clare's cabin at M? We could go skiing every day, and there are some friends staying in the neighborhood, and others will be coming to visit. I think Sonya and Brandon wanted to come for a night to get away from their parents, and Michael wanted to come over when he could get away from his job ... What do you say? It'll be just the present company most of the time."
What would he say?! What would he say?! He could feel his heart threatening to tear apart his ribcage and jump out into Alex's face. Could nobody else hear it booming?!
They had to take a train to get to the station closest to M. From there on it was a walk of three miles on the roads covered with snow. M. was a good distance away from the city, and none of the parents had been available for a ride. They have all been carrying backpacks, and the walk from the station to the cottage was quite taxing. Gil usually got tired rather fast, but he knew he could not loose face in front of his new friends. Especially the two girls. And especially Alex.
It seemed, however, that Alex did not have that problem. He kept whining out loud all the way about how cold, wet and miserable he was, and that made everyone laugh and cheered up the company.
At one moment, letting the girls go ahead, he bent over to Gil and said: "Jeez man, my dick is totally frozen!"
"What do you mean? How does it feel?" asked Gil, amused.
"How do you think it feels? Like absolutely nothing's left anymore"
"Fine," Gil answered. "When we get there we'll boil some hot water in a jar and dip it in to get the juices flowing again. There may be hope yet that you will not die childless."
Alex gave him a slight jab on the shoulder.
Soon they reached the cabin. It was a small log cabin, next to the main cottage. The place was indeed tiny: some kind of a minuscule hallway separated two rooms on each side of this little box with a slanted roof. One of the rooms had a small old couch, a table, a couple of chairs and an oven. Thus, it was a dining room, which had to double as the boys' room for the duration of their stay. The other room just had a bed, and therefore was a bedroom and the girls' place of temporary residence.
When you entered you would be in the hallway right away, and a small bathroom was right in front of you, with the two rooms on each side. That was it.
Their routine was quickly set: skiing in the morning, then just hanging out in the afternoon. Sometimes they would go into the village at night to check out whatever nightlife they could catch.
One thing that amused Gil and made him happy, was their relationship with the girls: it was evident to Gil that both the girls were interested, but nothing was actually happening. They were just friends. Good, Gil thought. Makes things easier.
The sleeping arrangements were a bit tougher for the boys. Gil's folding bed was almost under the dinner table, closely squeezed to Alex's.
When the girls would long be asleep, Alex would get out his guitar and play a few songs. Gil could listen forever to his voice, that would all of a sudden become soft, in an effort not to wake up the girls. The only light in the room would come from the moonbeams reflected in the snow outside. In this kind of lighting, Gil was not afraid to stare: He had a magnificent view of Alex's chest, the only thing not covered by the guitar, his perfect neck, his face. Nature did not make any mistakes carving this face, thought Gil.
They really bonded during those nights, Alex and he.
One night, Alex got out of bed as usual to put his guitar back. Gil loved that moment of the night, he could then see his friend's entire body almost completely naked. Alex wore just a small pair of boxers to bed, that left very little uncovered. He would through back the covers and get up showing Gil his magnificent long legs covered with just a touch of soft light fuzz, that gleamed a little in the moonlight. Gil would bite his pillow really until his teeth itched at this moment.
That night, Alex caught his foot between his bed and Gil's. He lost his balance and started falling. He caught hold of Gil's stretched arm and stopped himself from falling on Gil completely. His faces was within inches of Gil's. There was a pause. Alex did not get up right away. They looked at each other for what seemed to Gil like a very long second. Then Alex climbed into his bed.
After a while he whispered: "Gil?"
He caught his friend at that very sweet moment when sleep is about to set in. When consciousness has not abandoned one yet, but a good part of it has been replaced by some indescribable sweet slush.
"Yes," Gil replied unwillingly.
"Listen, I want to ask you something."
"What is it? I am almost asleep."
"Well, you know, in your old school, Did the guys do stuff with each other?"
All sleep vanished from Gil in an instant.
"How do you mean `do stuff', what `stuff'?!" He asked still not believing his ears.
"Well, Fuck! You know what I mean! Sex stuff!"
"No, not that I know of," Gil answered honestly. "Why do you ask?"
"Oh nothing. Just curious. My friends and I do it sometimes. It's fun. You should try it one day."
The usual Alex's intonations returned in that last remark. Slight mockery and challenge.
"You remember Jason from the party?" He continued.
"Yes, I do" Gil answered.
Jason was a year older, he was a senior. They were talking a lot while taking a walk. Gil especially noticed the way he moved. There was so much grace in Jason's every movement. His grace was subtle and quintessentially masculine. Who knows how many people would notice it at all. But Gil sure did. Add to this a cute boyish face, so inviting to trust... How could Gil forget Jason!
"So, this Jason used to chase me all over the building at a lunch break sometimes. It was not even funny. One day he an Jimmy (you don't know Jimmy yet) just got it together at the football field. We went there to play a game after school, and they split up and while the rest of us were playing, they were lying there... Wrestling..."
Alex giggled. No, Gil could not share stories like this one with Alex. Nothing of this kind ever happened at his old school, or he would have remembered. Here was the big city for you!
"You know, Gil," Alex broke the silence once again, "I really feel horny tonight. Why don't you climb over to my bed and we'll have us some fun".
Gil froze. It was not that he did not want to "have some fun". It was probably safe to say, that he desired no other thing in the world more than exactly that. But it was just too sudden. Too unexpected. Too simple and too natural. It made blood stand still in his veins, turned his heart into one useless clot. Worse still, he felt a paralysis spreading over his lower body. His excitement died, he was helpless.
`It was good of Alex to offer things like that, but was it fair?' He could not help thinking. `He will have his `fun', get himself off, and what would I do? What if in the process he finds out? What if this will just break all of my control and I will become obsessed? And his guilt in the morning? He will blame me for everything!'
Those thoughts swarmed in Gil's head and were starting to make him dizzy. He did not reply. Alex got up, lit a small candle and put it on the window sill. Hypnotized, Gil kept staring at the window. The flickering flame was casting shadows from the curtains on the ceiling. The shadows had a shape of two huge wings, raised high and crossed at the same time. Like an eagle preparing to take off. The room was swimming in front of Gil's eyes. The two crossed shadow wings in the faint trembling red light seemed to him to embody the heat of his desire. He felt two strong arms lifting him gently but firmly off the bed. He came out of his reverie with a start. The expression on Alex's face was very serious. Gil felt as if a wave caught him, and riding on its crest, he was being transported somewhere and there was that much he could do to hold on. He grabbed Alex's body and pulled him down onto his bed. The tiny folding bed almost collapsed.
"Come on!" Whispered Alex.
He got up and pulled Gil up by the hand. They were both standing now. Alex was taller, he was bending just a little bit to place his face on the same level with Gil's. Gil closed his eyes. His lips touched something dry, harsh and burning hot. Those must have been Alex's lips. He opened his mouth just a little bit and pressed forward tentatively. Then he stopped feeling the texture of Alex's lips, and he no longer knew where his own ended and his friend's started. He felt the warmth of Alex's breath spreading over his mouth. He moved his right hand and pressed it against the back of the boy's head, squeezing their lips together even harder. He was not sure what he was tasting, but it was the most divine taste he ever experienced.
With an unbelievable exertion of will power he made himself open his eyes. He could see Alex's face next to his, with his eyes shut tight. He could see the wings flickering on the ceiling. He wanted the moment to be carved forever in every cell of his brain tissue...
Then Alex broke the kiss.
"Come", he pulled Gil by the hand onto his bed.
Gil sat down, and Alex got behind him. He wrapped his legs around Gil and his feet came down at his lover's crotch. He was nuzzling Gil, covering him with kisses, mumbling something.
"Gil, my sweet little man. Honey. Lover." Were the words that Gil could make out in that stream of sounds and kisses.
He was not being passionate or dominant. Just very tender and caring. Gil was simply melting in his arms. He turned around and gently forced Alex to lie down. They started running their hands all over each other's bodies, leaving no place unexplored. Their caresses were growing more and more intense, as their embrace grew tighter. They were merging into each other, it seemed. It was more than Gil could bare. Suddenly, all he could see was a bunch of stars exploding in front of his eyes, all of his muscles tensed in an incredible spasm, a loud groan escaped his throat and with it he discharged. For the first time in his life, his right hand was not the cause of it. At the same moment, he felt his lover go crazy under him, he arched his back pulling Gil's head so hard into himself that it seemed to Gil that his face will get crushed against Alex's shoulder, and a second later he felt a warm spray cover his stomach in a few powerful splashes.
They both loosened up, still unable to release their embrace, too tired to move, savoring the post-orgasmic pleasure invading their bodies and spreading sweet weakness over all the limbs.
"Alex, what's wrong!" Gil exclaimed. Alex was sobbing. That was too much for Gil.
"Oh shit, man!" Gil started to mumble, "Fuck! I knew I should not have done it. I am sorry. Please forgive me, man! I didn't mean to ... I'll leave tomorrow ... I'll--" He was ready to disappear then and there. He started to get up, but a powerful arm stopped him.
"Oh no! You don't understand, do you? Man, you are pathetic! How could I even assume there was some brain in that head. It's probably all just mush" Alex was smiling. His eyes were moist and a tear was rolling down his right cheek.
"Thank you, love." Alex whispered in Gil's ear and smooched Gil on the forehead. Gil did not know what to do or what to say. He was still clutching Alex's body in his arms, thinking that he was the happiest guy on the planet, and that there was absolutely nothing that could ever ruin this happiness. He drifted off to sleep with those thoughts.
When Gil opened his eyes the next morning, before he was able to regain his composure and remember what happened the night before, he saw Alex, already fully dressed, holding a small tray. On the tray was a huge porcelain cup with tiny clouds of steam floating above it. A gentle, intoxicating scent of coffee was filling up the room.
"About time! Boy, do you sleep!" Alex smirked placing the tray gently in Gil's lap. "I put some cream in it, too."
Gil did not like coffee, but from Alex's hand he would have accepted poison and drank it happily.
"Good morning, sweetheart." Alex bent down and kissed Gil on the lips.
"Right! And what about us?"
Alex and Gil both turned with a start. Jennifer was standing at the door smiling:
"And us girls, we don't get coffee in bed?" She complained playfully.
"Oh, that would be rude, now wouldn't it?" Alex picked up the little game. "You girls go back to bed and your coffee will be ready in a jiffy.
"Yeah, yeah." Sighed Jennifer. "The moment is gone, however."
And so the day went on. An acquaintance of Clare's parents was staying at a house nearby and invited all four over for dinner. Gil was in the mood. He made everyone laugh, and was in general extremely charming. Alex was sitting next to him at the table and they almost did not make eye contact at all during the entire meal. However, Gil took a few chance glimpses at his lover's face. It seemed to Gil that Alex was staring at him with admiration, affection, pride... That only fuelled Gil's zeal. Hours flew by quickly and it was already time to go home.
Still heated up from the wonderful evening, Gil was in love with the entire world. He tried to be extra attentive to the girls. Then he overheard Clare say to Jennifer:
"I think Gil likes you"
"Ahh," replied Jennifer trying to shake it off. It looked to Gil like she wanted to believe it nonetheless.
`Nothing could be further from the truth', thought Gil and smiled to himself.
All in all it had been a wonderful day, but one thing was still missing: he did not have a free moment with Alex yet. He was looking forward to the night.
The wind was blowing as usual, raising the snow flurries, as they all walked home.
"Are your feet cold?" Alex asked.
"Yeah, they always are," answered Gil, "how did you know?"
"Duh! I noticed it last night. When we get back I'll massage them for you." And he gave Gil a quick hug.
Gil could not wait to get into bed and entrust his feet to his lover's care.
Outside the wind was howling, shuffling the snow, but the cabin was warm and dry. When Gil and Alex were finally alone, they quickly stripped and hopped into their beds. Gil stretched his feet and soon Alex was rubbing them.
"So, Alex, I've been dying to ask you all day: what made you so bold? Not that I am complaining, you understand, but still, I'm kinda curious."
"Oh, but you were checking me out so intensely at the New Year party."
"Still I couldn't have been that obvious, could I?" Gil asked with a fake concern.
"No. It's true, I was taking a risk. Can't win without it."
"I guess not."
There was a pause.
"You know Alex," said Gil slowly. "My dad getting a job here must have been the best thing that happened to me in my whole life. Or I would have never met you--"
"That would suck", Alex agreed. Gil more guessed than saw him smile. "Here, your feet are now warm. Time to take care of the rest of your body." And he moved on his bed, making space for Gil and signaling for him to move over.
The guests started to arrive, and apparently without confirming with one another or the hosts, were appearing in numbers that threatened to overflow the capacity of the little cabin.
To Gil's disappointment, Alex got a call from his parents, who wanted him home for a day or two to take care of some routine business, and so Alex packed his backpack and departed, promising to be back as soon as he could. Gil was annoyed to see Alex go, and was ready to blame his bad fortune for taking his love away from him so fast. That Alex was only going to be away for a day or two was irrelevant. Gil did not want to spend a minute without him.
It turned out, however, that Gil simply did not have time to brood over his misfortunes. There were just too many things to be done to try to accommodate the increasing number of guests.
The weather was wonderful. Snow was no longer being dumped, it was very quiet and sunny. Even the gloomy forest did not seem so gloomy anymore. Everything was covered with a smooth, sparkling blanket of snow. On the other hand, it was much colder than ever now, and Clare tried to keep the cabin extra warm. Gil, who could not stand heat, finally gave up fighting with her and started walking around the house without his shirt. His example proved infectious and very soon a couple of other guests took their shirts off.
"There is a common obsession with stripping going around", Jennifer chuckled.
Gil was hoping to see Alex the next day, but he did not come. Michael did instead. Even though he was quite civil, it was still obvious to Gil that he did not like him. Not that Gil cared too much, but it was strange to him in a way. He liked Michael and still did not have a chance of exchanging a single word with him. If Michael did not like him because of Clare, it was just too ridiculous...
Gil could not remember how it all started. They were playing games, and the girls always made sure they had as much physical contact with the boys as was possible. Gil pretended to be clueless. In any event, it was probably at dinner when he started talking to Michael. Soon they blocked everyone off and carried on a little conversation of their own. If questioned what was the subject of their conversation -- Gil would not be able to tell. Everything and nothing at the same time: books, music, movies, school gossip... When Michael started a phrase Gil would finish it, and the other way around. Towards the night, Gil caught himself feeling guilty that he was actually happy about Alex's absence. Subtly, Gil tried to ask Michael about gay activities at school.
"Yeah," Michael admitted. "A lot of it is going around. I wouldn't do it, though. Can get too addictive."
The comment seemed strange to Gil, but he had learned all he needed to know.
Almost all of the guests have left by now, they wanted to catch the last train to town. Jennifer left also, Gil was not sure why. Something to do with her sister, he thought. The only people remaining were Brandon and Sonya. Gil took pity on them. He knew that parents of both disapproved. For different and very good reasons, no doubt. Maybe Gil was not entirely altruistic in his motives, but when the sleeping arrangements came up, he suggested Brandon and Sonya take his and Alex's room and Clare, Michael and himself the other one.
The bed all of them had to share was huge. Four people could sleep there without touching each other. And they were only three. Very soon, exhausted from the day's activities, Clare fell asleep. Her even breathing was the only thing to break the dead silence of the night.
Michael and Gil kept chatting. The chat was running out of gas, but Gil just did not want to let it go. The last thing he remembered was his lips half an inch away from Michael's cheek, whispering words in his ear. Michael was wearing a sailor's T-shirt, with stripes. He looked rugged and very masculine. Gil could see the first stubble pushing out of Michael's cheek, he could see his fiery black coals of eyes gleaming in the light of a small lamp that they left burning, but most of all he could inhale Michael's scent. A bouquet that he could not describe: so erotic and sweet and subtle and at the same time persistent, audaciously tickling his nostrils.
Gil did not remember falling asleep. When he woke up, preparations for breakfast were in full swing. Soon Alex arrived: jovial and gregarious as ever. In just a couple of days it would be time to go home, back to school. The break was almost over.
Absentmindedly Gil was listening to everyone talk at the same time, asking Alex how things were in the city, as if they had not been there for many years. Gil new he created new bonds, but how far were they going to take him? What were his real feelings? What would happen next? All these questions were coming up linked in his brain, like a train. That train seemed to start moving: faster, and faster, until it was no longer a train but a huge roaring whirlpool, and Gil did not know what to think anymore. One thing was for sure: at this moment he was on top of the world.
But many years have passed, before he realized...