Man for Man

How To Move On


Sometimes you know that something is coming . The musty earthy and slightly sweet smell that floated in on the cool breeze tripped something in my subconscious mind telling me that it was about to storm - that sixth sense that prepares you for something on the horizon. In retrospect, there was nothing, no sixth sense, no lingering smell, that could have warned me or prepared me for his arrival.


He took me by surprise, like a thunderstorm, fast, intense, riveting. But unlike the temporary nature of a storm, he stayed with me, calming down into a natural part of my life, like the glassy surface of the sea at dawn. I have learned through the years that life hands you cards, and although you can't pick or choose the ones you get, once in a lifetime fate deals you a perfect hand.

He was mine.

I watched the sunlight dance across the swells, breaking on the shallow sandbar and then rolling in gently, foamy patterns sliding up onto the white beach, and then receding again. The sun was still low in the sky, it was only morning, but I knew it would be a hot day. I looked up toward the mountains, and a faint mist hung midway up, the evaporating dew from the trees looked like an ethereal cloud. Hawaii: probably one of the most beautiful places on earth, and although I can't say I've been to all the places on earth, I feel pretty damn fortunate to live here.

"Kal." I looked over to see Jason walking up the beach toward me, his face tinged a bright red looking out of breath. "You gotta check out the waves today."

I must have looked like some idiot, transfixed to the same spot, watching the water like I was hypnotized. "Hey buddy, been out already?" He nodded and stood next to me.

"You doing okay?"

I nodded silently, and continued to stare at the ocean. Tourists were beginning to filter onto the beaches.

"You sure?"

I gave him a light punch. "Yeah, just taking it day by day."

I uprooted my board from its upright position planted in the sand, and gave Jason a hearty slap on the back. "Ready to ride?"

He grinned. "Always."

My apartment was shitty, and by that, I mean that it was bordering on inhabitable. This was the travesty that befell so many other native Hawaiians - the spike in real estate prices forced us into shitholes like these. However at 23, I felt like having a roof over my head made me the king of my own castle.

Afternoon sunlight shafted in through the slats in the blinds, and illuminated the dust, filtering through the humid air. Jason was passed out on the couch in the so-called living room, a half eaten bowl of macaroni and cheese on the floor next to him, snoring. His red tinge had turned into what I would consider to be the hue of a cooked lobster, and he was beginning to peel. That would be painful later.

I threw on a pair of board shorts and a black tank and attempted to rise Jason from his slumber.


My head blocked the sunlight and he blinked a few times up at my shadow. "What time is it?"

"Just after four, time to get going."

"To?" He sat up, rubbing his eyes. I sighed and picked up the remnants of his lunch and deposited them on top of the heap of other dirty dishes in the sink. "To Baker's barbeque, remember?"

He shrugged. Good old Jason, lazy, completely irresponsible, and incapable of remembering anything past when it was time to eat, shit, and sleep.


I was lost in a mix of people. I knew I was supposed to meet up with Jason, but after four years, I hardly knew what he would look like. The music was loud, and it felt like some over-hyped MTV beach party. I felt a little out of place in my jeans and tee shirt, most everyone else was in a swimsuit and red cups littered the beach. Several small grills were set up around the fire pit and the parking lot looked like a jeep dealership. I grimaced.

"Yo, Aaron, BRO!" Well, I may not recognize him anymore, but I certainly remembered that voice.

Jason approached, clad in white trunks with a brightly colored plastic lei around his neck. He looked like some ungodly shade of magenta. Irish people should live underground.

"Hey Jas," I extended my hand and he gripped it, pumping it up and down enthusiastically. "I finally got out here huh."

"Yeah, about damn time." I looked past Jason, and almost lost a grip on my cup. In my schema, Hawaiian's were small, short, fat Asian people who had thinning hair and resembled mini sumo wrestlers. This sight blew all my stereotypes out of the water. And although I was already short, he managed to make me feel even shorter.


"Oh Aaron, this is my friend Kalani. But everyone calls him Kal." Jason nodded his head toward his friend, and I extended my hand which he accepted firmly. His skin was warm and smooth, and I couldn't help my eyes wandering briefly. He had the kind of build that I thought was fictional - broad shoulders and a powerful, ripped torso. His pecs were large and sculpted, but not overdeveloped and he had dark, medium sized nipples. His arms were big, but somehow graceful without being overly bulky, and he had the seductive V leading down into the shorts he was wearing. His skin was dark, tan, and smooth. He smiled and I smiled back weakly. He had a gorgeous smile - white, straight teeth, and handsomely sculpted features. And, at what I estimated to be about 6'4", I felt shorter than ever.

Jason turned to Kalani. "Aaron was one of my best friends from high school, he just moved out here to start going to school. Rad, right?"

Kal shot Jason a look. "Rad?"

I laughed. Kal looked over at me, and smiled again. "So, how do you like Hawaii so far?"

"Love it, can't beat the weather."

"Or the people," Jason voiced loudly, throwing his arm over Kal's shoulder, which was difficult for him as he had to stand on his tip toes. Kal gave Jason a light shove. "Get off me ya retard." They bantered back and forth some.

Eventually Kal wandered off - it seemed like everyone there knew him, and Jason stuck by my side. I was introduced to a blur of people, unmemorable people who's names I had forgotten as soon as I was introduced to the next. Somehow, my mind kept wandering back to Kal, and where he was. And if I would get to see him before the night was over. Be careful Aaron, I though to myself; the man could kill you, so watch it. Jason refilled my cup with more red juice, which I didn't even have to ask to know included Everclear. This was going to be an interesting night.


"Kal!" I glanced over to see Jason dragging Aaron over to me. The sun was low on the horizon and the sky was darkening. The poor kid, Jason had probably run him ragged. "So Aaron's going to be living with me, on the couch for now but ya know maybe your dad can set him up with a better place?"

I shrugged. "Sure. I've got an extra bedroom, he can crash with me for awhile if ya want buddy." Jason shot Aaron an inquisitive look. "He's a big guy, but he won't bite." Aaron blushed slightly, maybe it was the alcohol, but it was fucking cute as hell.

"Sure, if that won't put you out."

I grinned widely. "Aloha bud."

I considered Aaron carefully in the firelight. He was a great looking kid, but definitely a kid, maybe 19, 20 at most. He was shorter, but definitely hot - a solid body, what looked like a nice ass through his jeans, and he had an innocent, almost naΒ‹ve air about him. Careful Kal. It's too soon to be thinking about such things. I sighed and sat back, watching the flames dance in the sky, sparks rising into the cool air. The sky was lit up with stars, and Jason and Aaron were engaged in a deep catching-up conversation. I closed my eyes, and resigned myself to my thoughts.

"It's all yours bro," I motioned to the empty bedroom. He seemed to take it all in, a huge smile on his face.

"I love it."

I shrugged and stood aside as he moved his first box into the vacant room. "It's not much, but it has a killer view, and there's a bed, and a chest of drawers."

"Man, I don't know how to thank you," he said sitting on the bed. It creaked loudly. "What do ya want for it?"

"Hm. Well, I hate doing my own laundry, and my feet need rubbed from time to time."

The blank look on his face almost made me laugh, but I caught myself. Not everyone is as sarcastic as I. "Just fuckin with ya little buddy," I laughed to ease the tension. "Naw, it's fine. I used to share this place with my mom, but its been a little lonely since then so you're welcome to the room as long as you need it."

He stood up and smiled warmly. Damn it, he was so cute when he smiled. "Thanks Kal, I really appreciate it."

He walked over to the window, and looked out - the marketplace below was busy and the voices filtered up to the apartment. Bicycles passed back and forth, and the wind blew through some distant chimes, their jingling barely floating back to us.


"Welcome to the real Hawaii," I said jokingly. "This up country is where most of us natives live, since tourism has taken over the beaches. Anyway, I'm usually broke so, I can't afford that five hundred dollars a square foot cost of living."

He turned around. "It's beautiful." And somehow, with the look on his face, I believed him.


Living with Kal was somewhat of a limbo, a dangerous place smack in the middle between heaven and hell. The heaven was watching him come in from work, sweaty, tired, his hair mussed, shirtless, collapsing on the couch turning on the TV, and zoning out. It gave me the opportunity to obsess over his body, he looked so handsome, and powerful in the dim flickering light. Inevitably he'd get up and walk to the refrigerator, toss me a beer, and sit back down, eventually falling asleep in his chair. The hell was resisting the temptation to go cuddle up next to him - his body was hard, strong, and smooth, a body I would feel comfortable pressed up next to, small, but protected. The next few weeks school started, and I saw Kal less and less. He was a karate instructor at a small local school, and when he wasn't teaching, he was surfing. From the trophies, old boards, and pictures on the walls in his room, I deduced he was a pretty damn good one at that.

But there were sides of Kal that were different - he wasn't the overly friendly extrovert that Jason was, even though they seemed to be best friends. In fact, after observing Kal over the course of a couple weeks, it became evident that he was Jason's polar opposite. Kal was quiet and introverted, he showed little emotion, and while he was jovial and friendly at times, he was guarded and divulged little about his personal life even to me or to Jason. He knew how to socialize and seemed to have many acquaintances, but there was something in his eyes that scared me, a sad look that I caught only sometimes if I were looking carefully.

I was probably over thinking it anyway, Kal seemed to be invading my every thought, and I would have to get over him. Obsessing over a straight guy, especially the guy who's letting you live with him rent-free, is probably not the best idea.


I was jolted from my brief reverie by Jason, who slammed his wet board down by the door and flopped onto the couch.

"The waves were rad today."

I rolled my eyes. Jason was such a Midwestern boy, as was I, but he seemed intent to capture the Hawaiian spirit. "You don't have to talk like the beach boys to fit in here Jason." I said turning the TV off. "You're an Irish kid from Chicago, you're about as un-Hawaiian as they come."

"Shut your mouth Drake," he countered grinning, finishing a Capri sun in a single gulp. "So, we going out tonight?"

"Sure." I fidgeted a little. "Kal coming?"

Jason shrugged. "Probably, he's teaching tonight but I'll call him when he gets off and see if he wants to meet up with us. You've never been out in the city have you?"

I shook my head. "Nope, what's it like?"

Jason grinned. "You're in for a real treat."

The music was so loud that it was vibrating my entire body before we even got into sight of it. Inside, it was like nothing I'd ever seen before. An entire wall of water cascaded behind the bar, and pulsing lights lit it up to the beat of the music. The club was packed, and it was difficult for Jason and I to even edge our way up to the bar. I ordered my usual double gin and tonic, and we wedged ourselves into a booth in the far corner of the front room. The floor to ceiling windows looked out onto the downtown street, and the line for the bar seemed to wind around the corner.

"Popular place, huh?" I yelled, but Jason didn't hear me. He was scoping out the room, as usual, and I nursed my drink hoping that Kal would show up soon.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and looked up to see his smiling face. "Hey bro."

I smiled and he sat down next to me, holding a large, red colored drink. He looked amazing, his short black hair spiked neatly, wearing plaid shorts and a tight ribbed tee shirt. He had a leather necklace with what looked like a shark tooth hanging from it, and a leather cuff on his left wrist. He set his drink down and nodded at Jason. "So, what do you think?"


I shrugged and finished the last of my drink. "It's an experience," I said loudly. Kal shrugged and leaned in closer. "What?"

"I said, it's an experience." He was so close I could smell his cologne, faintly sweet, but a darker undertone, something almost forbidden, and I felt my cock stir. No, I could not get hard in the middle of the club in front of my straight roommate.

He smiled. "Just relax, have a good time, check out the fine tail," he said gesturing toward the dance floor.

I smiled back, but something inside of me felt twisted. Hearing Kal talk about girls, or anyone, caused a knot in my stomach. I looked at him, sitting there, so confident and handsome. So unattainable, yet so close. He slept in the next room, yet he seemed so far away.

Never in my life, had I felt such intense feelings for someone, with absolutely no foundation to base them upon. It was embarrassingly illogical, yet every time I looked at him, I felt like I was about to burst. He was perfect, yet I was afraid of him. It was an adrenaline filled ride, and something inside me said it was just getting started.

I was on my fifth, maybe sixth drink, and was beginning to feel slightly drunk. Jason was lounging next to me, some tourist-looking girl giggling obnoxiously in his ear, and he looked completely wasted - slumping over, laughing at anything she said. There was a sure thing.

I looked out onto the dance floor, and suddenly saw Kal. I was slightly mesmerized. In a sea of undulating bodies, Kal's stood out from the rest - tall, dark, his biceps bulged as he moved to the music, some blond girl was pulled tight against his body, his arm snaked around to hold onto her waist, and her hand was on his thigh. I felt sick to my stomach, and in a very real way, it felt like he was cheating on me.

"Yo, bro, I'm going to head home," Jason said as he got to his feet unsteadily, the slutty looking girl hanging off of him, still giggling like some inane retard.

"Alright Jason, I'll see you tomorrow," I waved as they disappeared into the crowd of people. I fiddled with the ice in my drink, and got up, pressing through the throng of moving bodies. I suddenly felt a hand firm on my shoulder, pulling me back. I lost my balance slightly, and was thrown up against Kal. He looked a little surprised and I jerked upright, suddenly feeling very self conscious.

"Where you off to little buddy?" He was smiling, and I felt uneasy. "Well, Jason left with some girl, so I guess I'm going to go home."

"It's early man, stay and chill." he said, beckoning me back to the table we had been sitting at. The blond girl was perched on a stool, smiling at him. My mind went through a quick series of calculations - stay here and watch Kal and some girl drool over each other, or get some much needed sleep.

"I think I'm going to check out," I said, it came out slightly more cold than I had wished. I hoped that he hadn't heard the jealousy in my tone, so I quickly added, "Have a good time, and thanks for taking me out tonight, I had fun."

He shrugged. "You sure? You know the way back home?"

"Yeah, I think I remember, anyway I need to start figuring things out for myself."

He smiled. "Okay, if you say so."

I was slightly miffed that he hadn't insisted on going with me, but if I'd had the choice between walking someone home, or getting some hot action, I probably would have chose the latter as well. I ducked out of the club and back onto the street.

It was "winter" in Hawaii, nothing like the winter that I was used to back in Chicago, but it was cooler than normal. Of course, I had begun to view "cooler" as anything under 65. As the noise of the club receded in the distance, I started to feel alone. I had left everything back home - my friends, my family, everything that was familiar. I had somehow felt alienated there; hiding the fact that I was gay from everyone began to feel like a full time job, and I had just snapped. I swore that I would never play that game again, and that moving to a new place, and a new school, I would be open. It would theoretically take the stress away, and I would be able to move forward with my life.


But meeting Kal, something had changed. Not only had I started to fall in love, but I was playing that same old game again. Just as I was scared that telling my family I was gay would cause me to lose them, I had the same fear about Kal. I had no idea who Kal was in reality, and I realized that I was building him up as some saint in my mind. I needed to move on, and pull myself back down to earth.

"Hey Aaron."

I looked back and was somewhat shocked to see Kal running up to me. He was out of breath, and looked slightly drunk. "Hey little buddy, I wanted to make sure you could get home okay."

My heart skipped a beat - it was a platonic gesture, but it showed that he cared about me, and whatever way that was, it made me insanely happy. Kal always called me little buddy - from anyone else I would have found it demeaning, but from him, I welcomed it. It seemed that he said it like someone who cared about me, and protected me, like a big brother. "Thanks, I think I'm okay, but I could use the company."

He grinned. "So, that's why you're walking in the opposite direction?"

I blushed. Kal seemed to have a habit of making me blush. "Well, maybe I do need some help."

We walked in silence for awhile. The wind had begun to pick up, and it made a soft rustling noise as it blew through the tall grasses surrounding the road. The sky was startlingly clear, and the moon was just a slice away from being full, casting a dim illuminating glow on the landscape. The stars spread out overhead, so bright against the black sky that they looked as if you could reach up and touch then. Night in Hawaii is something to experience.

"Thanks for moving in with me Aaron." he said after a long lull in the conversation. The road had begun its unpaved stretch, and I was kicking the pebbles for lack of anything else to do.

I cocked my head slightly. "Thank me? You're the one letting me live there for free."

"Yeah, but it's nice to have someone around you know."

We walked a ways further, the road starting to get a little steeper as it began to climb. "You said you used to live with your mom, right? Where is she now?"

I saw him stiffen, and I immediately regretted asking the question. "Maybe that's a story for another day."

It became uncomfortable to press forward with the conversation, especially under the current vein, so I fell silent and we walked the rest of the way home.

The heavy humidness in the air had just given way to a drizzle as we mounted the steps to the apartment, and the noise of the large raindrops on the tin roof was staccato and sharp, like tiny bullets hitting a brick wall. Kal sat down on the couch without turning on the lights, and the soft glow of the moonlight cut through the rain and lit up one side of his face. He looked beautiful, sitting there, his hair damp, his skin slightly moist. The angle of his face gave me a perfect view of his side profile - he was handsome, almost painfully so, but somehow a powerful sadness seemed to encapsulate him.

I stood in the entry, unsure of what to do. He seemed to be thinking intently, sitting hunched over staring at the patterns that the rain made as they traced their way down the window. It was a downpour now, and sheets of rain raced across the muddy street and the palms looked bent and sad outside.

"My mom and brother died last year, in a car accident."

It was a single sentence, but it left such a heavy feeling in the air. The rain pounded down, and Kal sat there, unmoving, tensed up.

I was unsure what to do, so I slowly moved to the couch and sat down on the opposite end.

"We used to live here, the four of us - my mom, brother, father, and me." He seemed to only be able to say sentences at a time, then followed by a long pause, as if saying it was painful.


He sat across the couch from me, and I could tell he didn't know what to do. He looked slightly taken aback, but I was drunk and suddenly felt the urge to let everything out. I had held back for so long, from so many people, and Aaron was there for me. We had an unspoken bond, like brothers, and I wanted him to know.


"My mother and brother died on the hill when a bus hit them. My father lost it after that, and he's in a mental internment center in Honolulu." I paused, and turned to Aaron.

I realized that I had tears in my eyes, and that they were slowly beginning to run down my face. I hoped that he would mistake them for rainwater, but I knew it was a long shot. Suddenly, all the emotion of what had happened, what I had kept inside overflowed, and I found myself clinging to Aaron like he was a life raft in a storm. He had a shocked look on his face, and I was struck dumb when he opened his arms and hugged me. The physical closeness was the most comforting thing I could remember, and I let my emotions pour forth.


A fly was insistently buzzing, and I heard the dull thumping as it hit the windowpane, trying to escape outside. The fan droned away and bright afternoon light flooded into the room. Suddenly I became aware of the arm around me, and looked over to see Kal. My stomach jumped into my throat, and I froze. His arm was thrown around my waist, and he was snoring softly. I felt his warm, smooth skin against me, and his chest slowly rise and fall. I let my head slowly fall back to the pillow, and silently revered in the warm comfort that surrounded me. The cover was pulled up to our chins, and one of his arms was slung under his head and above mine. His left leg was touching mine, and I inhaled his scent from the pillow. He shifted in his sleep, and pulled my body against his tightly. I let my eyes droop - I wanted to remember what it felt like to be in his arms, but inevitably sleep overtook me again. I had a ridiculous smile on my face as I drifted off.

The second time I woke up, I was alone. The light had dimmed, and stripes of shadow crisscrossed the bed. I stretched and sat up. I was in Kal's bed, but he was nowhere in sight. I yawned and laid back again, reveling in the idea of being in his bed. It was warm, and smelled like him. It was comforting, and I pulled the pillow he had been using close to me.


I sat up abruptly. Kal was standing in the doorway holding a cup of coffee, looking slightly hung over. His dark eyes were tired, and his hair was still half spiked from the night before. He was wearing boxers, his sinewy body exposed and his nipples slightly erect from the cool afternoon air.

"Hey," I said cautiously. "I guess I must have fallen asleep in here."

"Yeah," he said setting the cup of coffee down on the nightstand and motioning to it. "Thanks, my brother and I used to sleep together like that all the time, I miss it."

I nodded. Well, he made it perfectly clear that it was a platonic act. I felt sad, but grateful that I had had the opportunity. "Well sorry if I cramped your style."

"Not at all." He shot me a genuine smile, and I gave him one back. "Well, it looks like we slept through most of the day."

He nodded. "Sorry for laying all that on you last night, it must have freaked you out."

I shrugged. "It's okay, I'm here when you need me."

"Thanks Aaron." He had a serious look on his face, and I could tell he was sincerely thankful.

"It's nothing," I countered.

He looked back at me with the same serious stare. "No Aaron, it's everything."



I shook my head and tried to pretend to be listening again. "I heard you."

Jason looked at me quizzically with one brow raised. "What's up with you Kal, something has you going. You're in a funk."

I sighed and toyed with my food. A motorcycle droned by on the street and I pulled my sunglasses down over my eyes. "I don't want to talk about it."

The truth was, I was completely confused. When my mother and brother died, a void was left in my life. I realized that these were two people who would never be replaced. The relationship I had with my younger brother was very complicated - we were inseparable growing up, I watched over him, tried to keep him on the right track, and imparted every piece of older brotherly wisdom that I could. I coached him through his first real relationship with a girl, taught him how to surf, took him with me everywhere I went and protected him from anything that could hurt him. And now there was Aaron. The relationship I was developing with Aaron was startlingly similar to the one I had with Koa, my younger brother. The bond that we had begun to develop was that of siblings - there was closeness, trust, love, and on my part, protectiveness. But there was something else, something past merely platonic feelings and it shook me up.


Sometimes, I would sit and think about him, and it startled me that he was the first thing to enter my mind. Aaron had the qualities I often found so attractive in a female - beautiful eyes, athletic build, smile that could melt a block of ice, and an ass to die for, but somehow he managed to arouse feelings in me that were more exciting, more dangerous than any I'd felt for a girl before. I was scared to reach out to him, scared that I would lose the bond that I had built with him, and valued so much. I was confused, and my first instinct was to push him away, but somehow his innocence, and his fragility caused me to want to pull him closer. It was ripping me apart inside, and the stress depressed me.

"Kal, come back to me dude."

I glanced back up and Jason was staring at me, a piece of lettuce caught in between his teeth. "Jason your teeth, Jesus Christ," I muttered. He picked it off and continued eating. "Anyway, as I was saying, something's got you fucked up bro."

I rolled my eyes. While not the brightest guy, Jason did know how to read me. "I'll get over it."

Jason looked up from his food and gave me a shockingly serious look. "Will you?"


It was my 20th birthday, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I told Jason and Kal about it in passing, but stressed that I didn't want a party, just a nice dinner the three of us somewhere decent downtown that had cloth napkins. I was sick of eating fried god-knows-what on the street every day on the way to classes. And although Kal was dedicated in making me macaroni and cheese or ramen noodles daily, it was getting old. Jason seemed genuinely depressed that I didn't want a huge bash, but it was around finals time and I couldn't afford another drunken night. Although, the thought of getting Kal wasted definitely crossed my mind.

Life with Kal had changed somewhat. Although we were comfortable around each other, he had started to distance himself. Where I would usually come back from night class and he would be sprawled on the couch watching TV, now his bedroom door was usually closed. I knew I could go in and bother him, but something told me this was a very deliberate act. I missed him and I hoped that my birthday might bring him back out. Since the night I had accidentally ended up in his bed, he had seemed to be quiet and reserved around me, almost as if he were walking on eggshells. I was a little hurt, but I knew he must have been somewhat freaked out. I wanted more than ever to be with him, but I would have to be satisfied with the friendship we had.

"Aaron, you ready?" Kal emerged from his room, and my jaw must have been slightly open, because I distinctly remember having to consciously make the decision to close it. I had never seen Kal like this before - gray pinstripe pants, a dark blue shirt with a hint of metallic sheen to it, and a silver and black tie. His dark eyes looked more brooding than ever, but there was a lightness to his mood that I had missed over the last few weeks.

"You look great Kal."

He smiled. "I guess I clean up alright."

I resisted the temptation to say "alright? You look fucking gorgeous." and zipped my lips.

"You don't look so bad yourself little buddy." He squeezed my shoulder and I blushed badly.

We descended the stairs, and when I got to the bottom I spotted the black Honda Interceptor that I had wanted so badly. It was gorgeous, the bike of my dreams. "What's this." I was a little shell-shocked, and Kal laughed.

"I figured you were tired of walking to classes, so, I thought this might help."

I was floored, and absurdly happy. I must have almost knocked Kal down with the force of my hug. "Wow, are you serious?"

"Yep. You know how I love bikes, as long as you let me try it out sometime, it's yours."

I grinned larger than I probably have in my entire life. "I love it, it's amazing."

He produced two helmets from behind his back. "And, I know a great way to get to your birthday dinner in style." I took a helmet from him, and motioned for him to get on first.


"Are you sure you want me to drive?"

I nodded. There was nothing I wanted to do more in the world at that moment than to hold onto him.


I realized, sitting there eating dinner, that I couldn't resist it anymore. The storm I was fighting inside myself was perpetuating the crisis that had begun when I lost my mother and brother. The feelings I was harboring were so conflicted that it was eating me away and left me barren inside. I felt numb, and the only time I ever felt like I was close to my normal self was when Aaron was around. It's not that I had lost my attraction to girls, but Aaron dominated my thoughts, my masturbation fantasies, everything. I wanted to feel him, I wanted to hold him down and fuck the shit out of him, but mostly I wanted to love him - I wanted an outlet for all the feelings that I had walled up inside me since the accident, and a torrent was ready to let loose.

But I realized at the same time that it wasn't fair to Aaron. I had no idea if the kid was even open to the idea, let alone that prospect of throwing almost a year of pent up emotions on him was scary to me, but it would probably be fucking frightening to him. He didn't deserve the shit I was putting on him, hell he didn't even know about it. For much of my life I prided myself on being so strong, but now I felt so weak.

"Thanks for dinner," Aaron said brightly, and I was pulled from my thoughts again.

"Anytime little buddy." I gave him the most genuine smile I could.

We emerged into the night - it was warm, and the sun was just beginning to dip below the horizon, throwing golds, oranges, purples, and vivid pinks across the sky. There were just a light feathering of clouds across the sky, and it was almost devoid of wind. The water lapped at the edge of the docks and the boats rocked slowly back and forth. Jason was busy doing some text messaging, and I smiled at Aaron. "Can we walk for awhile?"

He nodded, and I nodded to Jason. He smiled back and we slowly walked away from him.


We walked slowly down the dock to the water's edge, watching the buoy's bob in the distance. Kal was quiet, and I could see there was a storm going on behind his deep brown eyes.

"There's something I need to tell you." His tone was quiet and even, so under control, but something about it chilled me. There was a sadness to him, and he seemed resigned to it.

"Okay," I said dumbly.

"Aaron, I." His voice broke, and I suddenly realized that his eyes were wet with tears. I had only seen Kal break down once before, but that was drunk. This was profoundly more moving.

Without thinking, I took his hand in mine, and he cracked a slight smile.

"Aaron I love having you around, but I think it might be a good idea if you moved in with Jason."

My heart broke a little, and I felt numb. "Kal, I-," I started to talk but he cut me off.

"Aaron you don't understand. I love you."

There was a silence, and all I could feel was a sudden rush of all my blood to my head. I suddenly felt hot. "I love you too Kal."

"No, I really love you Aaron."

I stopped, unable to speak.

"Ever since my brother died, I've been searching for something. I feel like there's a spot inside my heart that I've lost, until I met you." His voice was shaking, and I looked up at him. He looked so handsome, even with his jaw clenched and his dark eyes reflecting so much emotion. "And when I met you, I wanted to protect you, I can't explain why. But now it's something else, something more."

He stopped and gripped my hand tightly to the point where it almost hurt.

"Aaron, I'm in love with you. I can't explain it. That night that we slept together, I've never felt anything like that before in my life. It was like holding my brother, but so much more. I wanted to touch you, kiss you, be with you." He stopped, looking down at me with fear in his eyes. "I don't want to lose you Aaron, but I understand if you don't want to be friends anymore."

I laughed. I don't know what came over me, or what happened, but I started to laugh. It was slightly ridiculous, but that's what happened. Kal looked a little confused, but I kept a strong grip on his hand.


"I love you too Kal, I have since we met."

He looked at me, and I could tell he was afraid to believe it. "Really?"


Suddenly we were kissing. Kal pulled me to him with a force that almost knocked the air from my lungs. His lips were soft and warm, and a sudden nervousness flowed through my body, like the release of all the adrenaline I had and I went limp. They say when you kiss the one, that there are fireworks. It felt like an atomic bomb went off inside me, and my heart was beating so loud I swear everyone within a mile could hear it. Kal's arms wrapped around me and his tongue slipped into my mouth. I felt a wave of emotion crash down through both of us, and my eyes were damp when we parted.

We stood there, our bodies pressed together, and I inhaled his scent, so comforting and masculine. I felt safe, and loved, and completed.

Jason, watching like some retarded puppy from the edge of the water, started clapping. The sun had dropped below the horizon and it was dark save for a few lights remaining on the hillside above us. Kal pulled me close again, and I almost overloaded with pleasure.

I have never seen Kal open the door to the apartment so fast in my life. He flung the door wide, literally picked me up, and carried me to the bed.

"What do you want?" He asked me seriously. His body was tense, and I could see the muscles stand out on his neck.

"I want you." I shot him a smile. And then he was on top of me. I could feel his hard cock through the thin fabric of his pants, and our mouths met again, this time with a heightened sense of urgency. I started undoing the buttons on his shirt, but he literally ripped it off, buttons flying everywhere. Remind me not to piss this guy off. In one swift movement, he was suddenly naked. He stood in front of me, breathing heavily, the moonlight illuminating his body brightly against the dark room. His pubic hair was trimmed neatly, and his cock was long, standing straight up with a glistening drop of precum at the end. I gently touched a finger to it, and then to my lips.

"Mmm." He laughed and kissed me, savoring the taste between our mouths. "You're not naked," he said half joking, half commanding. "Get naked."

I swiftly shucked my shirt and pants, and laid on the bed. He had a hungry wild look in his eyes, and I don't think I've ever been hornier in my life.

He guided my mouth to his cock, and it was warm, throbbing. I circled the head with my tongue, and he moaned loudly, pressing down on my head. I took the whole shaft in my mouth, and bobbed up and down. He began slowly moving his hips, rhythmically fucking my mouth, and I grabbed onto the solid muscles of his lower back.

"You want me to suck your cock?"

I nodded.

"Say it."

"I want you to suck my cock."

He moved onto the bed, his cock still in my mouth, and wrapped his hands around mine. It was electric, and I bucked my hips. "Whoa there tiger." He gently took the head into his mouth, and swirled his tongue around. It was sensational. He slowly started to move his pelvis, fucking my mouth with some amount of reserve, and bobbing his head up and down on mine. I was stimulated to the point of explosion and he stopped.

"Turn over."

I flipped over on my stomach, and he moved on top of me, pressing his hard cock into the crack of my ass. I pressed up against him, yearning for something, anything. I felt empty and I needed him close to me. He slowly and expertly licked down my back to the crack of my ass, slowly pulling my cheeks apart.

"You have a hot fucking ass." He slapped it lightly, and it made me even hornier.

I felt his tongue slowly move lower until it was right above my hole and he blew lightly on it. I was about to pass out from pleasure when he suddenly began to rim me, plundering my hole with his tongue. It was warm, it was wet, I loved it. He pulled my cheeks even further apart and started tongue fucking me. "You like that? You like my tongue on your ass boy?"

"Yes, I love it." He slapped my ass and it stung. He moved back up my body, and I felt his hard cock, wet with precum, slipping around to press gently against my wet hole.


"You want this, don't you Aaron." Kal was breathing heavily, slowly moving his hard cock against my hole. I pressed my ass up against it. I felt to powerless when he was on top of me, and it was an indescribable feeling. "Yes."

"Say it Aaron. Say, fuck me."

"Fuck me, please Kal." I was almost begging. He pulled out a packet of lube, and smeared Aglide on his dick like it was his job.

"It might hurt." he whispered in my ear.

"I know, I want it to."

"My kind of boy," he said pulling me close. He laid down, and motioned for me to sit on top of him. I felt the tip of his dick against my hole and I slowly moved down, his hands on my lower back.

It was insanely big, thick, and hurt like a motherfucker. I sat down slowly, and he let out a whistle. "You're tight as fuck."

"I know," I said smiling. He slowly started moving his hips, and I felt a jolt of pleasure rush through me. "Fuck, Kal."

He slowly started to fuck me gently, lovingly, and our mouths met in a hot, wet kiss. His tongue pushed into my mouth and my ass felt like it was on fire.

"Alright, you can go now." I said.

He pulled me close to him, and started fucking me hard, my cock trapped against our sweaty bodies, grating over his hard abs. He had one muscular arm around my back, pulling me to him. In one move, he flipped me on my back, still inside me, and began to fuck me hard. He was sweating, and I felt his hard pectorals under my hands as he plowed away. He spread my legs, spread me as wide as I would go, his hands on my feet, and started fucking me deeper than I've ever been fucked before. I was on the edge of ecstasy, and he was grunting over me, hard, beautiful, muscular, powerful, I wanted him to use me, and I wanted him to take me in every way possible. His hand moved down to my cock, he scooped some precum from my stomach where it had dribbled out and began to jack me in short, jerking motions as he fucked me. I was mumbling incoherently, and he was almost pulling completely out, then pushing back in.

"You like my hard cock in you boy?"

"Oh God Kal," his hand was jerking faster, and I felt the edge of orgasm.

"I'm going to cum Kal." He grunted and started jacking me faster, fucking me, almost lifting me off the bed. I suddenly felt him expand inside me, and I shot all over my chest, the first shot hitting me in the face, the next the pillow behind my head. Kal collapsed on top of me, trapping my shooting cock between us, grinding his sweaty torso against me as I felt him cum inside me, his hard cock expanding with every shot. "Fuck Aaron." He kissed me as the last of my cum shot between our chests. We smelled like sex, the room smelled like sex, and his body was on top of me, glued to me by my cum. He licked some from my nose and grinned.

"Wow." I was breathing hard, my chest trapped against his.

"Yeah, Wow," he said smiling and kissing me softly. "You're fucking hot."

I smiled. "You fuck like a pro."

He seemed to calm down, and rolled off me, pulling me to him so we were spooning. "I love you Aaron."

My heart swelled to hear him say it. I felt his warm breath on the back of my neck and his scent enveloped me.

"I love you too Kal."

It was Spring and it was raining. The street outside had turned into a muddy river, and thunder rumbled above on the mountainside. I stood at the window, watching the water run past below and I felt his hands around my waist, then his chin on my shoulders.

"What are you thinking?"

I turned around and he was smiling down at me, clad in a pair of plaid PJ pants and a black tee shirt. I smelled his familiar smell and the warmth radiating from his body beckoned me closer into his arms. He had his glasses on and he looked beautiful as usual.

"How lucky I am." Kal kissed me on the forehead and I wrapped my arms around him, resting my head on his warm chest.

The kind of peace and happiness I felt when Kal was near me filled me up to the bursting point. He always made a point of telling me how thankful he was for helping him to move on, but the truth of it was that Kal had saved my life. We both gave each other the new beginning that we so desperately needed. Instead of moving on, we had started over, and it was the best beginning I could have hoped for.

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Keywords: big brother / fall in love / tongue fuck / asian / trunks / domination / masturbation / smooth body / cuddle / my dad / he fucked me / legs spread / my cock / biceps / slut / coach / roommate / masculin / gay love / wrestling / best friend / relationship / athlet / jerk off / father / brother / your ass / buddy / dad and son / inside me / precum / high-school
In fictional stories it is fine to have sex without condoms, but in reality you should always use a rubber, regardless if you use Prep or not. Prep only protects for HIV, thats why other diaseases spread among Prep users that practice bareback sex.